He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Randomize
