New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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