Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
