Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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