He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
