hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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