all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
