the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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