I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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