I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Who died my cat blue again?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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