I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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