my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
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