I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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