if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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