I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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