"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
