You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
