My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
