sarcasm needs its own font
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize