Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize