Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
