Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize