Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
