Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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