If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
