My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
