they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
