I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
