if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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