My friends, they love my intelligence
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
