I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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