dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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