After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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