i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
