So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
