i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
