Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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