when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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