She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
