You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
