but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Tornado booty call.. dedication
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
