the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
