She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
