I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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