I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
what the fuck happened to the tacos
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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