Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize