I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My life is pants optional.
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