Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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