You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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