"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
