____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
