he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
