I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
