Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize