"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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