he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just had sex on a roof
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
