I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
