You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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